WHICH ONE ARE YOU?

By Michele Halseide

Also read: • Conquering Comparison • Would the Real Me Please Stand Up?

I am a people-pleaser. I work overtime to please, impress, and placate friends and strangers because I need their affirmation to feel good about myself – especially my appearance.

I won’t go to the grocery store without putting on makeup. I feel naked without blush and mascara. I imagine the checker whispering to the bagger, “Look at that woman! Her eyes are sinking into her head.”

Unfortunately, my insecurities don’t stop there. An unhealthy self-consciousness has somehow oozed into every area of my life, affecting how I spend my time and money, how I raise my children and set my priorities, even how I relate to other people.

I am not alone, however. Many women I meet are people-pleasers in one way or another. Take Jan, for instance. She over-prepares for routine meetings because she always wants to appear competent. Amanda won’t invite a neighbor into her home unless it’s spotless. And Debbie hosts extravagant birthday parties for her children - not so much to please them as to impress their guests’ parents.

THE HIDDEN COST
People-pleasers are easily conned into competing for worthless accolades – often running ourselves into the ground in the process. We judge ourselves by others’ standards and reel with pain when we don’t match up. We pass up opportunities to talk about Jesus because we’re too afraid to risk failure.

Simple joys are often sacrificed when we’re preoccupied with what others think. “My weakest moment comes on Sunday morning when I have to fight with my kids to get them to wear itchy sweaters or loafers to church,” says Mindy. “I know how they feel. But I think I worry more about our family’s image than their comfort – or the sanctity of a peaceful Sunday morning.”

People-pleasers often make choices that lead to sinful behaviors or poor stewardship of time and money. Teenagers can’t say no to sex or drugs. Women rack up huge credit card bills enlarging their wardrobes beyond need or practicality. But worst of all, we may even be tempted to fake our spirituality, which impresses everyone but God. “Be careful not to do your ‘acts of righteousness’ before men, to be seen by them,” Christ warned. “If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven” (Matt. 6:1).

God is a jealous ruler who demands exclusive devotion to Himself (Exod. 34:14; Deut. 4:24; Josh. 24:19). We arouse His jealousy when we make idols out of ordinary people and derive our significance from the praises of men (Ps. 78:58). As we get sidetracked trying to win approval, we load our schedules with activities that appear worthwhile but actually keep us from the very things God prepared in advance for us to do (Eph. 2:10). I know a gifted writer, for example, who never gets to write because she’s bogged down with the PTA, Girl Scouts, and several church committees. When I questioned her unwillingness to relinquish those responsibilities, she replied, “I couldn’t drop the ball now. Everyone would hate me.”

DO YOU HAVE GUMPTION?
There is a better way to live, and Mary, Martha’s sister, found it (Luke 10:40-42). She wasn’t worried about pleasing house guests; she didn’t need their approval. Mary had one overriding priority: to sit at Jesus’ feet, stare into His eyes, and listen to God’s Word. David had the same passion. “One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek Him in His temple” (Ps. 27:4).

Mary and David understood that we are transformed in the presence of the Lord. That is why our quest for significance and approval begins - and ends - with God. We will never grow in our relationship with God if we don’t have the gumption to become single-minded, bent on pleasing God - and God only.

That sounds like a lofty, impractical goal in a world that measures success by how well we juggle demands for our attention. But such a change in orientation, though supernatural, can happen with the help of the Holy Spirit. Here are some practical measures that are helping me seek approval exclusively from God.

• FIND OUT WHEN AND WHY YOU FEEL INSECURE
Whenever you catch yourself saying or doing something to impress others, make a mental note and later record your observations in a two-column journal. After filling in a few pages, you will begin to see a pattern. Try to determine its cause. Are you afraid of rejection or failure? Is pride the problem, low self-esteem, or even envy? Tracking these patterns also helps you anticipate situations that might cause you to feel anxious about your approval-rating.

I noticed, for example, that in social settings such as a luncheon, I felt like a gawky teenager. To put myself on even ground with the other women, I usually resorted to boosting my self-image by name-dropping and talking about my husband’s business or my writing projects.

Once I identified this behavior, I spent months trying to understand it. I suspect that envy motivates me at times. I’d love to look good and appear in control of my life. But its deepest root comes from my childhood. My mom was always making fun of me and rarely took my interests seriously. As a child, I often felt embarrassed about who I was and what I liked to do.

Even today, I feel slightly out-of-place in a room full of adults, as if the clothes I’m wearing came out of a dress-up box. But understanding this insecurity helps me overcome it. Now when I go to luncheons, I avoid talking about myself and concentrate on asking other people questions. But most importantly, I have taken my fear of humiliation to the Lord, and He is rebuilding my confidence.

• PLAN ALTERNATIVE RESPONSES
In the column next to your list of people-pleasing slip-ups, jot down God-pleasing alternatives and specific Scriptures to support them. This will help you react more appropriately the next time you face similar circumstances.

Several years ago, for example, I accepted the treasurer’s position at my children’s pre-school. It ended up taking a lot of time away from my kids and my writing. Next to an entry in my journal where I wrote, “Succumbed to peer pressure again,” I added, “I should have said, ‘I have to pray about this. I’ll let you know tomorrow.’ Or, ‘It’s not fair to my family to assume such a heavy responsibility at this time.’ Supportive Scripture: ‘When a man’s ways are pleasing to the Lord, He makes even his enemies live at peace with him’ ”(Prov. 16:7).

• CHANGE YOUR THINKING
Ask God to show you attitudes in need of change. I’ve found, for example, that I’m highly motivated by praise and easily discouraged by criticism. But tuning out certain criticisms requires discipline, a hard outer shell, and a soft inner heart for God. As I grow more deeply in love with Jesus, as I spend more time at His feet, it’s easier to ignore nagging insecurities.

• STOP JUDGING OTHERS
We often expect people to judge us by the very same standards we are busy judging them by. If you make fun of another woman’s taste in clothes, or the way she keeps house or manages her life, then you probably assume that other women are busy noting similar aspects about your lifestyle. In other words, a critical spirit feeds self-consciousness, and needlessly so. You’ll start liking yourself more when you start judging others less.

We must learn to view people as God does. God told Samuel, “The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Sam.16:7). Many wonderful surprises await us when we learn to fix our attention on the heart, not the hair.

• DWELL UPON THE TRUTH
Develop a list of Scriptures that lambaste the sources of your insecurities, and try to memorize them. When I’m feeling worthless and rejected, for instance, I recite my own condensed version of Isaiah 43:1-4: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine... You are precious and honored in My sight.”

Your goal is to undergo a positive form of brainwashing. When you bathe your belief system in God’s Word, it gradually changes you for the better. Together with praise and prayer, God’s Word has divine power to demolish thoughts and insecurities that come from Satan (2 Cor. 10:4). But we must do our part; we must “take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (v. 5). And that’s what dwelling on the truth is all about.

• DARE TO CHANGE
When Mindy recognized that God was interested in her mindset for Sunday worship, not her outfit, she relaxed the family dress code. “At first I was embarrassed that my sons weren’t the best-dressed kids in Sunday school,” Mindy says. “But that feeling soon went away, especially when I began to see how it changed our family.”

I admit I haven’t completely conquered my fear of rejection, but it hasn’t conquered me. Now when a neighbor knocks at my door – and I’m still in my bathrobe – I force myself to remember that when Jesus looks into my eyes, He sees the presence of God’s Spirit. Not my eyelashes. And certainly not my pale complexion.

Also read:
• Conquering Comparison
• Would the Real Me Please Stand Up?

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